The symptoms are grave. I smile, but it is not visible, I laugh and enjoy yet I look stern and serious. My jokes are unnoticed by the ones unaffected by my condition, but still I laugh, and you my dear, you laugh with me.
I see how you live and how you act, I understand and I play along and I give of that part of me that you understand and accept. I can dance your dance.
You put your arm around my shoulder and tell me about what is possible and what is not, but of these things you have no idea. You know what you’ve read in a book, and what someone who read a book told you was true. I do not try to prove you wrong, I let you believe what you do, but somehow it seems important to you that I understand your truth, the truth that you throw about as if it was what everyone in the world but me knew to be true.
How wonderful, an absolute truth in a world that has diverging viewpoints on everything else. Eureka, you found it and you look at me with sympathy because I have failed to see what is so obvious.
But I have a disease. I know how you think, I am inside of your head. I see how things are connected.
-I see, you say. But yet you don’t. Because when you see, you actually see. Visually I see the connections of what my mind already figured out. I see the connections, I see your thoughts, I see your discomfort and I see your ease.
I swallowed the red pill, I cannot go back, And at times it is lonely. I know I whine, but don’t take me wrong. I do not want to go back. I just want to be seen for who I am without being a provocation to you. Your way of being is ok with me, all I ask is for you to be ok with me in return.
-Your presence is provoking he said. But when I asked you why, you could not give a satisfactory explanation. Because you didn’t have one. You don’t know enough about yourself to answer it, and it was a rhetorical question in any case. I only wanted to show you that you didn’t know why you thought so, but I did. I did not tell you, but I know
So the test showed me what I knew, but it was good to see. I skipped classes as a kid because I already knew how to write do math and speak other languages before I started. Then came the day i was looking forward to, i started school, and once there you taught me how to write, you taught me math, things I already knew you taught me. Because it was easier than seeing me for what I was and teaching me something I needed. So I got bored, bored because I was a child and I knew more than you did, and this too was a provocation to you.
I did my work better than you could, but that was a provocation i now know, you didn’t see why you questioned my work, what was wrong with it. You just knew it was wrong. Fair enough, but I saw why you thought it was wrong, I knew so I said someone else did it. And you praised him for the work he did. Same work, another less provoking character in your eyes. I laughed, it was another test. A test to see what is so provoking with me, and a joke from my side, for me to laugh. When I told you, you pitied me. Why? I thought. Why cannot I have fun with this? These are the jokes that keep me going when I provoke you too much and you try to convince me there is something wrong with me. They confirm me when you do not. I am like you, I too need love.
I offered you my help, I love to help, I know how to help. But you rejected my help loudly, you rejected it and had me know that it was wrong, interesting, but obviously wrong. Then you came back to me months later and told me of your findings. This that you had discovered. Wonderful I thought, but you failed to acknowledge it came from me. Because of wanting to glorify your own being you did not thank me, you choose to strut around with this newfound whatnot showing that my knowledge and services were not wanted here. Good for you, I did not provoke you, instead you choose to know it was your own brilliant mind that had produced this insignificance that was offered to you for free.
You told me what I could see and what I could not, and sure, from your vantage point the things I saw were unfathomable and preposterous. How dared I think that I could see something that you, beloved high being, did not see. No, I was clearly deranged and disillusioned. There are no such things as light around beings and things, and of course I could not see the thoughts of people. How dared I think that I possessed something that you did not, me a lowly being. It was easier for you to not have to peek into yourself and have a look. It was easier to believe in your own grandeur and the self-glorifying image of yourself that you had created and grewn accustomed to, and it was easier to throw dung at me than it was to look when I was pointing, so eager to wake you up and have you join in on the play. So eager to have a playmate in the game of life.
You asked me for help, and I did help you. Because I love you, I love you all, I do not hold your way of being against you, there are no wrongs nor rights. I see why you act the way you do, remember? When you see you can only love. So I love people, because I see how they are trapped, like I was trapped once and at times still am. I point the direction, leave small hints that will open doors over time, but the walls are thick and my cries travel poorly through the walls of shadows. But still my help you took, and not only did you take my help, you took more, but you did not thank me. I gave you, and would have given you regardless, you did not have to take from me, nothing is mine, some things just choose to be with me at points.
In a dream you can take as many things as you possibly can, but to what use? It is all gone when you wake up and all you have with you are memories of being a greedy thieving person without anyone close to you. Does my giving and sharing provoke you so much so that you have to take control of the situation by taking more than what is offered in order not to be subjected to my loving giving? Yes, you take control of the situation, I see that, but what does it gain you? I tell you, you loose something else my dear friend.
But it is not my knowledge that provokes, because I have none. When I let go of my self, when I let my ego go, then there are no walls left to block out the light from without. There is just knowledge, and it flows through me. I do not claim ownership to the ideas that visit me. I thank them and revere them, that is why they come. I do not try to fit them into my view of things, I view them as they are and describe them as I see them. They show me the connections, how they fit together. They are alive. Thought is alive, just as matter is living. I love them both, and so they show love back and let me channel them, through me they interact in our world.
I am a channel for them and I am a channel for love, some people let me channel this freely and bathe in it. Some people want to take it from me, wanting to possess that love and so they behave in calculated uncomfortable ways trying to hinder it or take it all. And some people deny my right to channel it altogether and thus I cannot show love openly. I have to hide it, because this freedom too provokes.
But love cannot be hindered, because it is not in the nature of love to be hindered. Love is unconditional and eternal. It is not my love or your love, it is Love. Love stands in its own right regardless if you want to let it in or not. It does not bend to the whims of your ego.
-You are still fond of her, you said and put your arm on my shoulder in a spirit of pity. Of course I am, it is not a secret to anyone, I replied and sent the pity back through my back into your arm and where it came from. Pity that you do not know the nature of love, that Love is eternal and everywhere, I thought to myself.
Yet no one pities me for loving you my friend. We met on a train going nowhere and you did not paint an image of me on my skin. I met you when i was ready to let the shadows melt in the light of One, i had asked for a reason to stay in the game and you appeared out of thin air. With you I can tell you I love you, with you there is no possessing and you see me, and love me back. You see me for who I am, what lies beneath, and I am allowed to let it out in front of you, you see my faults too, and you tell me when I dress myself in the robes of the ones I lament about. When I too am short-sighted and pompous you laugh at me, you laugh so that I can see myself through your eyes and join in on the laughter. I love you for that. You know that love is there regardless of us being present or not, so we can dive into it and eat of it without destroying it, as friends we dance through life.
But with You it is yet another story, with you I tread carefully, because when we meet we are surrounded with those who I lament about, and they pity me, so I play their games so that they will tolerate and pity me. Because then they can put me in a box that they can relate to, and thus my presence does not provoke them. Yes, the box is small and unfitting, but I do it to be close to you, because Love is undying. And I do it because I am not sure that the love I have for you is understood.
Unconditional love, I do not expect anything back, I just am, because I did not give you anything that was mine to start with. I do not want you to change, because you are perfect the way you are, it is what makes you You. I do not need to know why I love you, but still I do. What I do know is that Love flows from me to you and that is enough for me. I enjoy the waves of warmth that come through me to you. I guess you have sent out a request to the world to be loved. And I answer to the divine will, and if you want it, and if it wants to come through me, I do not deny it.
But I do not assume that you would understand, nor do I suppose that you would not. I see you anew every time, because I respect you and who you are my friend. Respect in its real meaning, to be willing to re-look at someone, to be willing to revisit and change my view of who I think you are, not depending on what you have done in the past, but what you do now, and now and every now that comes into my way.
But still I have a hard time being myself around you, I am a frog in your presence. Not wanting to impose myself in any way. Waiting to see if you see who I am, not what I show, and do not show. Wanting to see if you see beyond my green skin. Because when you do, you will find that I will be there, I will let you be who you are, with me you would still be free, because I do not believe in a me that has anything nor do I presuppose that I could control anything or anyone. With no ego in need of glorification, there is no one to be hurt when your love flows in all directions. I only see a playmate in the saga that is life. And I cannot impose anything on you in anyway, thinking such would only cause suffering. If I were to kiss you, you too would become a frog. Yet a single kiss is all a frog needs to know that he is seen. Truly seen.
–I see you, said the fair princess and kissed him on his lips.
The frog turned into a prince, he knew he could unfold in her presence. She was a pure channel for love and she could see through the game of things. She was not afraid to be who she was. The strength she showed in that instant was enough for the young prince to last a lifetime, to be strong for both of them and the ones to come. In that kiss were the words that could not be expressed, those things that could not be said, and in that kiss were those words that could only be said between the lines and the words that were hidden in reverse tongue.
There didn’t seem to be another way to show herself than through that kiss, and he knew that the person he saw and knew was there was wanting to come out of the prison imposed upon her. He knew this by the unspoken words those very lips uttered in that instant that they had touched his.
-By my side you can be free and be yourself my princess, you do not have to hide your shine because you are afraid to provoke anyone. Nor do you have to pretend you are something you are not and do not want to be. Gone are the days when you had to roll around in the filth to fit in with the mongers that try to sell their lies to anyone who comes their way. You can be who you are and shine ever so bright my love, and know that I will always be by your side, even at times when you are far away, I will be there to give you strength. I love to see you in your waters, swimming around, thriving and shining like the star you are, your radiance gives glow to me and everyone that in your presence be.
Forgive my lamentation friends and lovers of this world, I am only ventilating. You see, if I keep my thoughts inside I only give fuel for you to rule my world. You are not what I think you are, and what I see of you are just shadows of my own mind. What is inside of me is what I find outside of me, so by taking my thoughts of you out of me, I do not expect to see them in any other form than written in words. In the light the shadows of my mind disappear. I am only communicating with you my dear reality, what I like more of and of what I do not. This is my dream, and you are my silver screen. The projector is me and so I know that what I see is what is within me, thus I do not judge and my complaining is nothing but a calculation. A calculation, looking for a solution to a problem. Jotting down the numbers in an equation, letting the calculation take place in the processors that we are, letting the answer trickle down into reality, trickling down from the structure that supports and underlies it, permeating you, the world, with the effects of the solution playing out as a wonderful play on the wall of creation.
In any case. I am alright. My disease puts me at ease, there is no fight. My disease can be cured by ingesting the juices of grapes in hues of reds and whites. The cure is temporary, but so is the dis-ease with the condition to start with. I like being who I am because that is who I am. I love you all, because you make me see who I am, not because you tell me in words, no that is the language of me. You, my beloved world, you speak the tongue of the world, and what you say you say in actions and the form you take. I can only love you, when what you do is mirror me, you show me what I am, and for that I love you. You speak to me and I try to listen. I say this to you, your voice is heard, your roar in the void for me to hear, for me to come and love you for who you are. A unison sound from the mouths of the millions “This is who I AM!”
I see, and I agree. Truly, this is who I AM. And I love you for it.
My thoughts form the world that I see, like molten lava things go from not to be
You are my world and your dance sets me free, just watching you thrive makes me smile with glee
Forgive my words they mean harm to none, but once they are said they can’t be undone
I write of people and call them you, so I will be better at letting life flow through
Because within me all of this takes place, please see I am only trying to stop this race
A race of pride and provocation, to set us free is my invocation
Because your actions are within me, and in the I we’ll always be
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